I was taught to pray to “Father God.” I was taught that God is masculine. Female was created out of Adam: it’s masculine, diluted. Female wasn’t in the godhead. There are some descriptions of God as feminine. Something comes to mind about God wanting to gather God’s people like a mother hen does under her wings. There might be something about God nursing Israel like a mother does her baby. But my sense was that those were comparisons to a human feeling that is just accidentally feminine. It doesn’t mean that God is anything other than masculine.

So when I prayed I imagined God as sort of an amorphous, huge, man. There are books about getting to know the “father heart” of God. And talk about how hard it is for someone who hasn’t known a good earthly father to trust that “Father God” is good. And how getting to know this “Father God” can help those people heal. There are songs about it: “He’s a good good father.” And so on. I had a good dad. Have a good dad. What I didn’t have and what I longed for was a good mom.

Even after 10+ years in the evangelical world and several years out of it, it just dawned on me a few days ago that what I really want is a “Mother God.” I’ve yearned for the relationship that I imagine kids have with a good mom. I wanted warmth, acceptance, etc. It’s hard to even pinpoint exactly what I wanted. I’ve prayed for a replacement mom. It didn’t happen. But the thing is, in the evangelical world, the propaganda says that Father God can be your replacement dad if you need one. So I guess I’m just out of luck if I want a replacement mom? Sorry, I can have a replacement Dad in GOD HIMSELF but not a replacement mom.

I’ve come to think it’s insane to think that God is one gender. It’s so small. Also it’s super weird that God would create cis women out of something not in God’s self. And how on earth is female-ness a lesser version of male-ness. I don’t even know where to start with all that. I used to argue that God is definitely masculine because Jesus refers to God that way. But then I realized that in Jesus’ case God is acting as a Father in a specific way – like a biological Father or something, like Mary is his biological mother. It’s not the same relationship for me.

I’ve started to pray to God as “Mother God” just to see how it feels. So far it’s felt good. Praying itself is weird these days because I’m still in recovery from the evangelical world. What praying I have been doing though recently has been to “Mother God.” Not sure where I’ll go from here. But I guess I’m writing to say that I’m angry that I was never offered a mother replacement that I needed. I’m angry that God was portrayed as masculine – as specifically like guys, not girls, not like me. That there was this lie that we need father figures not mother figures. It’s hard to even identify everything I’m angry with here. There’s so much messed up stuff. I’m angry I guess that I was only given half of God. A masculine side, a father heart. And that as a woman, I was not allowed to see my likeness in God. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, so it’s hard to know where to stop. So I’m just going to randomly stop because this is getting long. Til next time.

The first thing on my list is “church X building.” That was shorthand for “church doesn’t need a building.” I get angry – and this is going to be a lot of angry writing – when…well, a lot actually. I get angry when I see big, new church buildings. I get angry when they ask for money to build them or to add on to them. I get angry when they ask us to give more money because the budget hasn’t been met yet and the year’s almost over. I get angry that money is spent on all that stuff. There are things money could go to that are worth it. Paying for peoples’ rent. Medical bills. Lots of things. Actual needs that real people have. Stop paying for more stuff to fill our bellies: church buildings, add-ons, upgrades, events for church people. And also – honestly there are enough big church buildings to go around. We really don’t need more. 

I don’t think I’m supposed to feel this way if I’m a Christian. In the evangelical world I’ve been in, I think the church building is smuggled in as part of how we act out the verses about not giving up meeting with each other…something. Basically we’re supposed to be meeting together so we need a building. I asked recently why we need to meet every week. I still don’t get it. Maybe it’s a hold over from the Jewish Sabbath being celebrated every week. I really don’t know. It’s always seemed excessive to me. But leaving that aside, I see no justification in the Bible for church buildings. I DO see a lot of warnings about not taking care of the poor. When we put money toward a church building that money doesn’t go toward someone in need. And there are endlessly people in need. Like right around us. Like even in our churches. It makes me angry that we gather in nice buildings and wear nice clothes and have services with all sorts of technical equipment and there are people who are in debt, who are homeless, etc., etc., etc. 

It’s also ridiculous because we seriously do not need buildings to have church. Have them in peoples’ houses or yards. Have them in parks. I guess we couldn’t have as many people in one place if we do that, but is that really important? More important that taking care of someone who doesn’t have heat because they can’t afford it? More important than paying off someone’s college debt? What’s the big deal anyway about having so many people in one place? Like why do we think that’s important? Is it because we all want to hear a particular pastor speak? Or a particular worship band play? Are those people so special? I guess if they are we can still watch them online as we all gather in homes. We can still all sing to that worship band in someone’s living room. Seriously – am I missing something? 

Anyway. I’m angry. All that money that goes toward church buildings, sound equipment, lighting, paying admin assistants and pastors, and so on…that could go toward people who actually need help. I guess church buildings, pastors in nice clothes with nice houses, sound equipment…all that stuff…I guess it makes me sick to my stomach. If there’s anything that seems biblical to me about it it’s that we’re on the wrong side – that God throws down the mighty and gets angry at the people who eat their fill when others are hungry. That’s what spending money on a church building looks like to me. 

And for real, there are tons of big buildings not being used a whole lot. So if ya’ll still all want to meet together, just use one of those.

I’m here in my cave. The cave I built. To find a safe space to be but in an active way. I’ve been hiding under my bed covers but I want to hide and be awake and doing something. Lately I’ve been angry a lot. Maybe sad a bit too. I’m not sure. Angry more I think. I want to cry sort of but I can’t cry. I’m not sure why. Crying always feels useless. Anger feels like it will take you somewhere. Effect things. I’m here to let myself dwell on the things I’ve been feeling that I have to set aside because days are busy. It’s the winter solstice. I time when we dwell in darkness so it seems like a good time to thank the darkness for what it gives. To say yes to it. To interact with it. Instead of quickly moving on from it or enjoy the light, even though the dark feelings and thoughts are roiling nearby. I wrote out a list of things to write about. It’s downstairs outside of my cave and I’m debating whether it’s worth leaving this warm, quiet, womb-like place to get it. I think I will because how often do I get to do this? I’ve been saving those things to process and now’s the time. Writing feels good. I don’t do it much. Why?

So many, all?, of the things I’m angry about are church things. I don’t know why I care anymore. Why can’t I just walk away and say that’s something else and I don’t have to keep grappling with it? Oh well. I can’t. I guess that’s that. So, I’ll start my list. I wrote the list in the back of the book Orlando. Which is ironic.