About

Why this blog?

I’m here in my cave. The cave I built. To find a safe space to be but in an active way. I’ve been hiding under my bed covers but I want to hide and be awake and doing something. Lately I’ve been angry a lot. Maybe sad a bit too. I’m not sure. Angry more I think. I want to cry sort of but I can’t cry. I’m not sure why. Crying always feels useless. Anger feels like it will take you somewhere. Effect things. I’m here to let myself dwell on the things I’ve been feeling that I have to set aside because days are busy. It’s the winter solstice. I time when we dwell in darkness so it seems like a good time to thank the darkness for what it gives. To say yes to it. To interact with it. Instead of quickly moving on from it or enjoy the light, even though the dark feelings and thoughts are roiling nearby. I wrote out a list of things to write about. It’s downstairs outside of my cave and I’m debating whether it’s worth leaving this warm, quiet, womb-like place to get it. I think I will because how often do I get to do this? I’ve been saving those things to process and now’s the time. Writing feels good. I don’t do it much. Why?

So many, all?, of the things I’m angry about are church things. I don’t know why I care anymore. Why can’t I just walk away and say that’s something else and I don’t have to keep grappling with it? Oh well. I can’t. I guess that’s that. So, I’ll start my list. I wrote the list in the back of the book Orlando. Which is ironic.