Father God/Mother God

I was taught to pray to “Father God.” I was taught that God is masculine. Female was created out of Adam: it’s masculine, diluted. Female wasn’t in the godhead. There are some descriptions of God as feminine. Something comes to mind about God wanting to gather God’s people like a mother hen does under her wings. There might be something about God nursing Israel like a mother does her baby. But my sense was that those were comparisons to a human feeling that is just accidentally feminine. It doesn’t mean that God is anything other than masculine.

So when I prayed I imagined God as sort of an amorphous, huge, man. There are books about getting to know the “father heart” of God. And talk about how hard it is for someone who hasn’t known a good earthly father to trust that “Father God” is good. And how getting to know this “Father God” can help those people heal. There are songs about it: “He’s a good good father.” And so on. I had a good dad. Have a good dad. What I didn’t have and what I longed for was a good mom.

Even after 10+ years in the evangelical world and several years out of it, it just dawned on me a few days ago that what I really want is a “Mother God.” I’ve yearned for the relationship that I imagine kids have with a good mom. I wanted warmth, acceptance, etc. It’s hard to even pinpoint exactly what I wanted. I’ve prayed for a replacement mom. It didn’t happen. But the thing is, in the evangelical world, the propaganda says that Father God can be your replacement dad if you need one. So I guess I’m just out of luck if I want a replacement mom? Sorry, I can have a replacement Dad in GOD HIMSELF but not a replacement mom.

I’ve come to think it’s insane to think that God is one gender. It’s so small. Also it’s super weird that God would create cis women out of something not in God’s self. And how on earth is female-ness a lesser version of male-ness. I don’t even know where to start with all that. I used to argue that God is definitely masculine because Jesus refers to God that way. But then I realized that in Jesus’ case God is acting as a Father in a specific way – like a biological Father or something, like Mary is his biological mother. It’s not the same relationship for me.

I’ve started to pray to God as “Mother God” just to see how it feels. So far it’s felt good. Praying itself is weird these days because I’m still in recovery from the evangelical world. What praying I have been doing though recently has been to “Mother God.” Not sure where I’ll go from here. But I guess I’m writing to say that I’m angry that I was never offered a mother replacement that I needed. I’m angry that God was portrayed as masculine – as specifically like guys, not girls, not like me. That there was this lie that we need father figures not mother figures. It’s hard to even identify everything I’m angry with here. There’s so much messed up stuff. I’m angry I guess that I was only given half of God. A masculine side, a father heart. And that as a woman, I was not allowed to see my likeness in God. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, so it’s hard to know where to stop. So I’m just going to randomly stop because this is getting long. Til next time.